How NOT to self-isolate – A Guide

Tip 1: Keep your job

Today I got fired. Says the e-mail in my mailbox. To be precise: It does not say “fired”. It says “you will not be paid from April on, May included and possibly after that still no money for you but who knows. Haha. Nobody knows anything really at this point but please do come back, when we’re open again. Thank you.”
But being fired sounds more effective and also way closer to the feeling and actual reality to soon being unemployed.

Tip 2: Don’t write angry e-mails

I’m writing an angry e-mail to my (now definitely soon to be former)- boss. After his third e-mail on how the company will handle the crisis and not in the slightest acknowledging that part of the staff is in an even deeper crisis now due to the dim prospects of no-money-April/May/June, I’m not having it.
Somebody needs to tell him that they forgot about us and apparently it’s me as my fingers fly over the keyboard orchestrating a masterpiece of rage and hopelessness ending with the dramatic sentence of: Please think about us, too.

Tip 3: Don’t read the news so much

After I hit send I go for a long run. It feels good to have done something. To speak up against authority. But really I had nothing to loose anyway. Sometimes that’s a good thing. The next days I spend reading the news. Not all of them, only the ones about Corona, which is almost all of them these days. I immerse myself in headlines, there’s really no other subject left anymore anyway and all conversations in real life lead back to either a toilet-paper-pun or the popular opinion of: “I think I already had corona a couple of weeks ago but who knows.”

Tip 4: Don’t meet your friends

I’m desperate and sad and find myself in a social distance of 2 meters apart from everyone at my friends flat. It’s pizza night, almost everybody there lost their jobs and the pizza is really good. (It’s all before Boris Johnson held his speech and took a major u-turn, okay guys? The pubs were still open, now get off my back)
The next day I start coughing.

Tip 5: Don’t google symptoms too much

The cough starts to get way more serious as I want to admit myself. Franticly I research the internet on where the numbers are currently. I study statistics and after two hours am mildly afraid of death.
Two days later my throat is so sore, I call my doctor friend who has the brilliant idea, that I should check my temperature. It turns out I have a light fever. I immediately start to worry a lot more. Two days later the fever leaves my body again and with it the fear. I find out, that I will never know if I actually had Covid-19 because they don’t do tests in Scotland anymore as long as you don’t end up in the hospital.

Tip 6: Try to learn something new everyday

Today I remembered something that I said two years ago at a party to a former colleague. Realising how utterly stupid my comment was, I replayed it over and over again in my head, to make sure I would not feel great about myself in the next while.

Tip 7: Try to keep a routine

I haven’t washed my hair in three weeks. This morning I ate pringles sour cream for breakfast. And there’s not so much floor left because the rest is covered in dirty and freshly washed but not yet folded piles of clothes. My routine is checking my phone every 5 minutes.

Tip 8: Stay positive

I’m very good at keeping my routine. It’s funny how little you can accomplish in a day.