How NOT to go on dates – A guide

by Sophia Hembeck

  1. Download a dating app 

Any app will do. Be lazy log in via facebook. Give away all your private information. It’s out there anyway. 

  1. Choose photos that look like you 

Or remotely look like you. All good photos are from five years ago? When you had a completely different haircut and colour? Sure why not. It’s the face that counts. That still looks the same right? 

  1. Agonize about this more 

All of this is bullshit anyway. 

  1. Start swiping

Realise how many attractive people are out there. So many! Realise how many unattractive people are out there. So many! Think about attraction for a while. And how it is relative. Are you already in love with a photo? Good. 

  1. Write to the photo 

Make the first step and write something really creative like: Hi. Hey. Hello. 🍑. 🍆.   

  1. Wait for replies 

Talk about where you’re from. What you’re doing currently as a job. What your hobbies are. How many siblings you have. What you have been doing today. Try not to fall asleep while you’re doing this. 

  1. Set a date 

Create a really romantic date. Like going for a walk in enough proximity to your house to be home quickly for either occasion. 

  1. The date

This is tricky. As we know either of you suddenly has a „work emergency“ or his/her dog „ate the trash“ and needs to be taken to the vet. (He’s okay but just to make sure he really is okay.) In any occasion someone will be „too hungover“ on the next date you planned or has really „bad migrane“. Then obviously it’s totally okay to never write back / never hear from them again.

  1. Delete the app / download the app again 

Keep your friends updated frequently on whether you have deleted or downloaded „the app“ again. Always make this as a statement of huge importance, while everyone knows including yourself: You’re fine either way.